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Have you ever wonder why your life is so fucked up??? When you just want to live a simple life full of happiness, yet universe gives you shits. I wish killing myself is as easy as killing people. You know you love You, you don’t want You to feel various negative emotions coming to You. You’ve tried so hard to prevent such things to happen, you build a wall. It separates you from the outside world. You know you have to let some people pass the gate eventually. You can’t avoid them hurting you. Once they do, the urge to pull a knife and stab them with it is so big, it makes you trembling.

Why do I have to live as a woman? we know we live in this shitty world full of patriarch. You have tried so many years at least to be seen as a human being. Men will see us as an object for them to fulfill their pride, their selfishness, their ego.

I should’ve not take this step. I feel stuck and trapped. I wish he die so I can be free. I wish I die soon so I can be totally free.

What would you do if you feel hopeless? Feels like you are born for nothing. Feels like you are useless. People keep seeing you as someone stupid, someone that is incapable of doing everything.

I feel like I lose my desire to do anything. I just want to do nothing. I don’t know what I live for. I don’t know if anyone ever think about me as me, not as someone who can be told what to do. I want to be seen as a human being who has control over what I want.

It’s so frustrating to think that I was trying to defend on what I believe yet people still discouraged and thought that I wasn’t supposed to do that, that it’s wrong to defend myself, that it’s wrong to be assertive.

What should I do then? Do you want me to die instead????

The sign

It wont work between us. Not with all those threats. Not without me giving up my life. And this is the sign.

I stepped the boundaries he said. He did the same. I knew what I did and I did it on purpose.

Why everyone is trying to take control of me?

Why I can’t be free????

I just want to be free. Let me please

Step by step to be NORMAL

Have you ever wonder how to be normal or at least to be perceived like a normal person to those around you??

I’m wondering the same thing too.

My quarter life crisis should be over. There was one time I could feel like I was the most normal person that I’ve ever been. I knew when everything felt right. It was great. Super great.

Then, I lost.

I’m walking through the maze inside my head. Trying to find the way out. Trying to get those ‘greatness’ back.

Looking, and looking, and looking until I lose my breath.

Suffocating. The old feeling, the feeling I hate the most is back. I lose me.

I screamed, begged to be normal. Then the only answer I can get is: be the most selfish person you can ever be.

Step one: ignore the things that could harm you, leave it behind. Whether it’s a thing, a word, or a person. They don’t exist.

Step two: repeat.

.

I bet death would be nicer. It’s fair for everyone.

Those little pilars gave me an idea of how I could ended it. They supported me. They were strong enough to hold the weight from all problems I couldn’t bear any longer. I could just passed it on to them. Say-o-nara to the world. The chains would be my new necklace in heaven. Told GOD it was a souvenir I bring home. He could take it if he wanted. I didn’t need it anymore though. I could watch my new favorite television below me. Some would howled, some would hailed. Nothing was gonna bothered me anymore. Everything had become prettier up here.

How I wish it could be that simple.

Black Clouds Are Coming

It feels as if the black clouds are about to come. You can sense it’s near. It gives you shiver. You are anticipating since you don’t know exactly how bad the storm is going to hit you this time. You are anticipating whether you are going to survive like the last time. You’ve prepared, yet you can’t think straight. Until you are tired of sit still and wait for the war. When it finally here, you overwhelmed by almost everything. The littlest thing you usually enjoy, you don’t enjoy it anymore. Work used to be your querencia, now it’s just a routine that drown you more. The world used to give you strength, now it tires you. When you are trying so hard to figure out “what’s wrong?” “what’s happening”, your brain stops working. You killed yourself thousand times. You hit your head hard with your fist, hoping that it would make it works. You scream inside, trying to get help. Not to stop you from killing yourself, but to tell you that there’s a way. That it’s going to be ok. That sometimes it’s ok not to say ‘ok’ to everything. That it’s okay to be appears as a “jerk” just because you have to go against what they say.

They say, “be assertive.” but then when you say “no”, they despise you. Funny yes, they think they’re being considerate of others but what they do is nothing but judging without helping. They like to be seen as superior. They are not. What makes them think that way though?? Money?? Physical appearance?? Knowledge?? No one is better than anyone, we just have different thing that we are good at. So stop being such an arrogant asshole. Just because it works on them, doesn’t mean it works on you, and vice versa. It’s true that the more you know, the quieter you become. The lion never competes just to prove himself that he is the king. Learn to listen, not to talk. To be good is better than to look smart.

A Decade

What can you change in 10 years? What can you banish from your life if you have the ability to turn back the time?

As for me, I would like to confront the things that should have been done ten years ago. Even it means death.

Start your 2021 with bad news, they said. It would be fun, they said. The whole conversation I had this morning already sum my whole 2021. It sucks to know that what you think had ended is actually still on. The good thing is I’m not the same person like I used to be. I know me well enough to protect myself. I love myself enough not to let anyone put a damage on me. I know that everything that holds you down, just let it all go. The same with this. Do not stay in the same place if you hurt being in that place. Move on. Even it destroys everything that you have been built. It doesn’t matter anymore if you can just find a new happiness in a new place. If you think you can’t handle the goodbye, then do something. Just remember that once you step out of the cage, you cannot go back to that cage. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN. What’s done is done. You cannot change the past. You can’t change nature. The only thing that you can change is the way you handle the problem and find a way to solve it. Do not be afraid of being “abnormal”, because the “abnormal” is the most awesome.