Black Clouds Are Coming

It feels as if the black clouds are about to come. You can sense it’s near. It gives you shiver. You are anticipating since you don’t know exactly how bad the storm is going to hit you this time. You are anticipating whether you are going to survive like the last time. You’ve prepared, yet you can’t think straight. Until you are tired of sit still and wait for the war. When it finally here, you overwhelmed by almost everything. The littlest thing you usually enjoy, you don’t enjoy it anymore. Work used to be your querencia, now it’s just a routine that drown you more. The world used to give you strength, now it tires you. When you are trying so hard to figure out “what’s wrong?” “what’s happening”, your brain stops working. You killed yourself thousand times. You hit your head hard with your fist, hoping that it would make it works. You scream inside, trying to get help. Not to stop you from killing yourself, but to tell you that there’s a way. That it’s going to be ok. That sometimes it’s ok not to say ‘ok’ to everything. That it’s okay to be appears as a “jerk” just because you have to go against what they say.

They say, “be assertive.” but then when you say “no”, they despise you. Funny yes, they think they’re being considerate of others but what they do is nothing but judging without helping. They like to be seen as superior. They are not. What makes them think that way though?? Money?? Physical appearance?? Knowledge?? No one is better than anyone, we just have different thing that we are good at. So stop being such an arrogant asshole. Just because it works on them, doesn’t mean it works on you, and vice versa. It’s true that the more you know, the quieter you become. The lion never competes just to prove himself that he is the king. Learn to listen, not to talk. To be good is better than to look smart.

The Happiest People are the People who can Enjoy Food.

I still remember clearly how I used to not being able to swallow foods. I still remember how I always enjoyed eating Satay because it was the only food I could eat.

I didn’t know was it because of the stress that had weighed me down or was it because of that certain people called me ‘fat’ or ‘chubby’. I didn’t feel that I had body issue, yet I said “I need to be skinny” all the time in my head.

“You are so thin the wind can blow you away.” Said one of my friend.

“No, I’m not. Look here.. and here.. and here…” I pointed the part of my body that I hated the most.

I ate only once a day, the rest of the day I only drank glasses of water. My weight went from 48kgs to 42kgs. It was not the “unhealthiest weight” for most people but it was the unhealthiest weight for me. The only fat that I had were on my tummy and breasts. Imagine I had no breasts, maybe my weight could weigh less than 42kgs.

Looked nice in the picture, looked nice on a dress, I could wear almost every clothes that I wanted even with the smallest size they’ve could ever had. Sounded cool yeah, but what it costed me?

Physically, I was weak as fuck. My stamina was at the lowest. In order to hold the hunger, I slept. I slept too much. There were two reasons for that. One, I tried to hold my hunger. Two, I’m the type when I’m depressed I will need longer time to sleep. So it was for both reasons. I got headache and migraine almost every damn day. My blood pressure might low for years. The doctors always gave me vitamins every time I got sick. I couldn’t stand heat. I couldn’t stroll around in the mall without feeling sick. I looked 5years older than my actual age.

Mentally, I was depressed without I knew that I was depressed. I always denied such things. I thought I was just crazy. I hate people because I was too afraid that those people would say the truth about my well-being.

I said to myself why I needed help when I could help myself. That thing was holding me back from getting the real help. Even until now. I thought it might just be the mood swing.

My favorite foods are foods. I can eat almost anything edibles. When someone asks what my favorite food is, I will always reply with “It depends, I love eating so it just depends on the weather, or what foods are viral now, or just depends on what I want to eat at the moment.”

I workout simply because I want to be healthy. I’m trying not to obsessed with having the crazy social standard body goals. My body goal is to appreciate what my body has gone through.

I gained more than 10kgs in five years. I’m “fatter” than my original weight before it went through its journey. I have fats all over my body. People can call me whatever they want, but they can’t tell me what food I cannot eat and enjoy. Life is too short to think about calories all the time. It’s okay to have a healthy “diet” and count the calories but don’t overdo it. It’s okay to eat all the time and to lay down on the bed all day without working out, but don’t overdo it. Overdo it won’t take you anywhere.

Enjoy every moment that passes, like how you enjoy every bites and chews of your food.